"The wise lover understands that in losing the battle, he or she can still win the war"

Dear Love Tactics,

I have been seeing the person of my dreams for some time now, but I seem to be at an impasse. I don’t know what more I can do. I have declared my undying love many times, but that doesn’t seem to do the trick to get them to reciprocate. I wish I knew what to do.

Apparently love alone doesn’t do the trick, because if it did I’d be married to this person by now. I cannot imagine a love stronger than I have for this person! What more could I possibly do?

~ Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

You’ve got to understand, first of all, that once somebody becomes convinced way down deep inside them that you really, really love them, it becomes like a well springing up inside of them flowing with love back for you. They can’t help it. It’s involuntary.

Now the problem is not that people don’t respond to being loved, but that most people who profess to love another just haven’t successfully made their case yet! That’s right! They haven’t convinced the One they feel so passionate towards that what they feel for them is true love.

is it you not being convincing enough? is it that you don't really realy love them, or is it that the One you love is having a hard time believing they are loved/loveable (on behalf of some deep insecurity issue). cris

Dear Tom,

OK, smart guy! How am I supposed to convey this “true love” you speak of?

~ Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,

Here are a few of the elements of true love:

(1) True Love is accepting of, and happy with, a person just as they are even if for the moment that includes their being somewhat judgmental and rejecting towards ourselves;

(2) True Love is discerning, and able to recognize that a person is masking for us, putting on their best selves, and hiding their judgmental attitudes towards us; but that is what it is being secretly critical and unaccepting of our own human weaknesses;

(3) True Love is patient, able to allow the One We Want to progress at their own pace; not trying to force them to love us before they’re ready; and

(4) True Love is longsuffering; able to accept hearing judgments of us by the One we think so highly of and suffering it without striking back in some way;

In final answer to your question, the best way in the world to convey “true love” is to let the One You Want show themselves for who they are, in all their weaknesses of passing judgment on you,

and not let it destroy you.

Persistent kindness in the face of these painful revelations will go far in touching the heart of the One You Want.

Ironically, your best chance to prove your love comes after they out and out reject you. The wise lover understands that in losing the battle, he or she can still win the war.

Copyright 2002-2004 Love Tactics, LLC, Boston MA

I guess it isn't worth discussing why some people, including the One, are out to hurt you. the matter of fact is - people do that. and the scary, twisted thing is that they do it when they do love you, because they do love you.

it may be that they don't really believe deep down they're worth to be loved - so they either test you or your lack of sound judgment (how stupid are you to love someone so unworthy ;-)

it may be that they fear all that hard work they should put into a meaningful relationship, and they're trying for a easy way out: you may just ran away (thus saving the trouble and reinforcing their self-deprecating beliefs that it wasn't love, or it's not worth the try anyway)

and it goes double for you: it’s so much easier to swim in the shallow waters; you don’t get to face any real intimacy, exposure or vulnerability. as long as you keep the One you love away, you can’t get hurt –

because only the one you love holds that kind of power over you. everyone else is incidental.

P.S. so... who wants to go first?

We Both Know I'm Gonna Lose You (by 311)

pic by alex axon

Yes, this is the truth: I like to make an impression. I live for it. I plan it, I wait for the moment, I twist and push the Truth with my ability to twist words into my weapon of choice. I don’t lie, mind you! I enhance reality. I give it artistic credibility. I give it flavor and taste. I sprinkle star-dust over the trivialities of life.

Unlike you - inexperienced seeker of Truth, I know that impressions are everything. Appearances define this world and everything we know - it is someone’s invention. That’s how I like to think of myself: I’m an explorer of realities, an inventor, a creator of meanings and beauty. A magician.

Without me, Life would be as dull as a Sunday afternoon. I practically invented sun-sets and heart-shaped fluffy clouds. I put the ribbon on chocolate boxes, I aligned the stars twinkle along with heart-beats, I marketed rainy afternoons for their sensual promises and the candles dripping on bare-skin.

Don’t run, hiding won’t do you any good. If you see me coming, better get yourself ready. If you’re lucky, you’ll get two weeks of absolute bliss: no extra charge. Just a glimpse at your pure heart, just the regular offering of your true and honest feelings, a touch of your pure passion to warm up this old heart and body.

Don’t worry: I’ll be in and out of your life in no-time. You won’t even know I’m gone: lighter than the flight of a butterfly in the night, I follow the light. My tender heart wasn’t built to withstand the darker sides of the human soul. I’ll have none of the tears and pains of this world! As soon as the magic starts to fade, I’m off. Trust me: I’ve seen it many times, and it’s far better this way. I’ve seen Love and Lust fade away into the … (eaw!) ordinary.

I’ll have none of that, thank you very much. I was made for the finer things in life, for the joys and wonders. And I’ll share it with You for a while, if you promise not to ask for more. Don’t bother me with irrational demands: silently understand the delicate fabric of illusion that I’m creating Just For You, appreciate the intricate details of this beautiful deception meant to make you feel Special. I’m not picky. It can be anyone. Be grateful I’ve chosen You of all the others.

When I’m gone – you will have earned the meaning of True Love; the New, Stronger, Wiser You will face the light of the new day with a larger perspective of what can be. Your tender mind will be amazed to discover this whole new world it never knew possible. Your inner limits shattered, you will be free – for the first time – to enjoy Life to its fullest. Thanks to me, you will have learned to give yourself completely, and freely, you will have learned to suck the pleasure out of every glimpse, of every moment, with no regard for consequences.

Don’t be sad that it’s over, be glad it happened. I’ve taught you about human frailty, I opened your mind to how terribly vulnerable you are and taught you how to hide and defend yourself next time someone like me shows up. I’m not shallow – I’m well traveled, I’m a connoisseur. I’m everything you’ve ever dreamt of, you lucky girl! I am Mr. Wrong.

Trick me once... shame on me

“ …So maybe the chance for romance is like a train to catch before it's gone..."

A friend told me once that I had lost the train; And I spent a long time wondering if there really had been one. Not knowing was the most painful and heartbreaking experience of my life. They say that ‘missed opportunities revenge themselves’, and knowing that made me fear...

…had my decision to pass it by been a mistake?

Unable to trust my own senses – I feared that Fate had taken over, bringing to life my deepest fears. And that was unacceptable. I needed to clear things up. I needed to make sure that the shadows of my past would not tarnish the new life I chose for myself.

An unrelated remark startled me, reminding of something that had puzzled me from the start. "He would only come home when he got hungry. Not having food awaiting for him is the only lack of affection he can remember".

Food is a symbol of life, and trust. The life of a new-born depends on the food coming from its mum. Their everlasting bond starts with the merging of their bodies, one feeding the other into being; and it continues well into a child's life – food and love merging into the concept of care.

We even teach our dogs to only accept food from the people we trust. Food can make the difference between life and death, and it can convey the message of love and affection. So many people feed themselves the love they miss and long for. Dining out is nothing but a social integration of this symbolic reality: we feed our loved ones; we take them out to eat. We are what we eat.
And for whatever reason, I've always been more sensitive when it came to food. During college, my best friend was thrilled when I finally accepted food from her - years into our friendship! She had earned it - I could finally trust her with my life.

From the very beginning, my body must have sensed the deception - and refused to be a part of it.
To my dismay, it refused to take any of it in: my favorites foods, nevertheless! I felt completely betrayed by its stubbornness to not play along, and to unexpectedly shut down in the face of the very affection I had so long awaited for. I did not recognize myself. I was in awe. Everything I had ever wished for... and for some strange reason, I could not trust the love he was offering me.
And now I know what my body had known all along. If it looks too good to be true, it probably isn't.

“There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.” Nietzsche

I know my fate.

One day there will be associated with my name the recollection of something frightful
of a crisis like no other before on earth,
of the profoundest collision of conscience,
of a decision evoked against everything that until then had been believed in, demanded, sanctified.
I am not a man ...
... I am dynamite.

Friedrich Nietzsche

What's Your Story?

This is how you read symbols. Crash-course.
Remember when you were a kid: which story did you enjoy hearing over and over and over? That story can tell you a few important things about yourself.

Here’s how:
My favorite story is that of the little mermaid, by Hans Christian Andersen. I hear it’s the story of his life. Go figure! Forget the Disney version. The original doesn’t have a happy ending – cos it doesn’t deserve one. Curious? Read on.

Let’s follow the story, and the story behind.

---------------------------
The little mermaid is the spoiled brat of her World: as the favorite daughter of Neptune – the Sea God (the Sea/Ocean as a symbol of the Unconscious), she is treated as ‘special’ by everyone. Yet, she waves off the attention, retreating in an imaginary world.

She dreams of impossible things – being fascinated with all things human. What she dreams of is being human – being able to do things that humans do. The underlying motive though is that Ariel is not happy with what or who she actually is. She doesn’t appreciate what she already has.

As Fate should want it, there came a day when fantasy became real - in the shape of a human - a mortal, flesh & blood man – incorporating everything Ariel dreams of. Meeting him is a crucial moment. Loving him is a chance to make her dream come true.

The sudden attraction to the strange man is really a projection of who she wants to be; he is what she dreams of being – loving him is really loving her ideal image. Narcissistic love, Freud called it. Loving him is a like magical solution: she cannot accept and love herself as who she is, but symbolically she loves herself in him. Get it?!?

The man is bound to die, though (a challenge, conflict is necessary in order to grow-up). Her own father starts a storm (emotional upset, crisis; the father, the sea-god stand for her super-ego; Rules, Must-dos; self-discipline; higher-mind), which threatens the life of her lover (classic father-lover conflict; the Oedipus fear –projection that the father kills the lover; in real life, both father and lover usually compete for the girl) .

We should notice that by saving the man she loves from drowning, the mermaid actually breaks the laws of her world, going against her father’s rules/wishes (faced with the choice, she makes the right one: chooses to grow up, replaces symbolically the father with a man she can have; the father is forbidden, taboo of course; the father ‘belongs to the mother, he is her lover’; in real life, the girl identifies with her mum and thus becomes a woman in her right, going on to love a man of her own; Ariel doesn’t have a mum, though. Who will fill that place?).

This is where destiny takes over – just like it did with Oedipus. She is no longer in control, no longer aware of the forces at work: Fate unfolds as it must.

We know we’re off the reality realm, into unconscious territory because Ariel is incapable of finding a realistic path to her goal; she turns to magic instead. Naïve and ignorant, she puts her trust in the hands of the evil woman (everyone else knows she’s evil); Enters: The Witch.
Ariel doesn’t have a mother; symbolically, the Witch stands for a mother figure – enacting the unresolved Oedipus complex: the mother stands between the girl and the man she loves; the projection of the girl’s hate ‘turns’ the mother-figure into a ‘witch’, but the girl needs to love and be loved by the mother figure, and that’s why she trusts her against better judgment; in turn, the witch wants the father’s power – the falic symbol, the trident – and uses the girl to get to the father; (Freud thought that’s all women want; not true; get over it! )

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Projection: an unconscious process by witch what I want/need/fear ‘becomes’ yours. Instead of realizing it’s mine, I think it comes from you. It enables me to use my needs/fears/wants without owning them or acknowledging ownership. We do this with the people close to us, the ones we love – and sometimes we chose them for this very reason. It can be mistaken for true-love! Be sure you ask and accept the real response of your significant other – instead of what you expect (which reflects your projections). Disappointment is a sign you’ve projected something and luckily! your lover didn’t play along. Be grateful!
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Self-absorbed, Ariel is unaware of the witch’s hidden agenda. Lacking confidence in what she is and what she can do, she fears rejection and she projects it on to the man she loves. It is she who believes that her ‘imperfection’ (being half fish) would prevent her man from loving her.

Pay attention here: this is the moment when her true motives shine through! Ask yourself: at this time, does she have reasons to believe the Prince wouldn’t love her as a mermaid… as who really is? No, she doesn’t. All she has to guide her are her own fears and inhibitions, her own lack of self-worth. It is SHE who isn’t happy with who she is. But she tells herself that this is what the prince, Eric thinks. It is she who values being human and having legs. For all we know, Eric takes that for granted – and he actually may have been impressed to know she is a mermaid. She tells herself a lie.

This inferiority complex blinds her completely – as it often does. She willingly gives away her voice (her ability to express her individuality, she gives away who she is), in exchange for a human body: feet instead of a fish tail (reality, grounding instead of fantasy, but also reason (earth) instead of feelings (water); i.e. rationalization! A defense mechanism. She doesn’t trust feelings to unite her and the man she loves. She changes who she is for an ideal image (we all do that when we think life would be so much better if we were… ‘thinner’, ‘smarter’, ‘prettier’, ‘rich’, etc)

But the stakes are much higher. Should she be wrong – and fail to be united with her man, she would lose her soul. (she identifies so strongly, so completely with this dream (also the man) that life without him becomes pointless; this mechanism lies behind depression when a loved one dies; you want to die too. That’s why you stop eating for instance.)

A kiss would prove the union, by the third day’s sunset. (the kiss as a symbol for both body-and-soul union, the ‘3’ as fulfillment of the union of the ‘2’: man and woman united create a third: a child; the sunset as the end of life)

Well…true love cannot be under false pretences. The Prince – a practical, down-to earth man – feels the attraction, the magic, but is unable to correctly interpret it (as men often are ;-).
Further more, he prefers the sensual promises of another, more mature woman to the clumsy, inexplicably weird behaviors of the inexperienced Ariel. (who is unable to tell him who she is – ‘has no voice’, unable to manage her new legs gracefully and under intense pressure for fear of losing her life).

Nothing helps, and at the end of the three days time, Ariel heads to the ocean – to meet her end. Fantasy over – we must face reality.

She is met by her sisters (sirens as symbols for unconscious forces) who alert her to another option. She can save her immortal soul, but only if she distances herself from her fate and exercises free-will. The man she loves is her fate, so she must distance herself from him: she must kill him, practically she must end the spell that binds them together.

She must admit failure, must admit that he's nothing but a fantasy gone wrong (her running away from accepting herself as who she really was).

She can’t do it though. Can’t 'give him up'. She hangs on to the lies, the deception. She can’t wake up. She watches him sleep (projection) alongside the other woman (unrecognized fear of competition complex; of not being good-enough) for one last time, and then returns to the ocean. The Powers That Be acknowledge her story as an example - her determination to hold onto the fantasy. She is to be found forever and ever in the foam of waves braking into the shore. (Embracing the legs of humans!). As reminder of the consecuences of fantasy eroding reality (water moving against land).

When an inner situation is not made conscious,
it happens outside as fate.
C.G.Jung

Practical Exercise:

Take a piece of paper and a pencil and close your eyes.
Imagine you are helping God for a few days. A new baby is born, and the baby needs a Destiny. You are The Writer. You get to decide what sort of life this new baby will have.
Clear your mind. Don’t think! It’s all in there, it will come to you.
Write at the top of the page:

This will be the life of…. [your name].

and start writing.

The thing is… you’ve already written it quite some time ago. This is only going to help you remember what the heck you’ve decided back then. You probably forgotten already. But you are living it nevertheless. Every bit of it.

I did this exercise some… 7 years ago. And I’m on track, sort-to speak. Hopefully, I’ve given myself a cross-road to exercise free-will. And luckily, I did. I just remembered that yesterday. And for those of you who know me, you know how dramatically my life has changed just recently. But it was all in the script. As a possibility. I had the courage.

Unlike Ariel, I opened my eyes and realized I could enjoy my fish-tale (pun intended, as many others; have you noticed them?) and have a happy end. Well… I don’t know about that yet, but I took my chance facing reality.

The little mermaid story didn’t deserve a happy-ending cos there was too much deception going on. If your life is made of lies – white lies, little lies, doesn’t matter – you will pay the price eventually. Better wake up now while you can still change something.

It is in your power to re-write some of that stuff. It’s not painless and it requires courage, and it involves risks. Or else… better hope you’ve given yourself a happy-ending. Some people don’t, you know...

Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself, Saint-Exupery

pic by Catalin Alfianu

How to mess up your life in less than 10 hours, with a little help from Him

by Ionut Dipse - in parcul circului

first, you go on holiday with 4 couples, and a hundred or so witnessed kisses later, your own loneliness against the romantic scenery starts to weight heavenly on you.

You go to bed early, to avoid the dark silhouettes holding each other lovingly against the moon light over the sea. You don’t drink, and don’t focus the people around not to see other men and be reminded of how much you long for a touch.
His touch. It Must be that way.

Tension really builds up over the weakened: he might show up. He doesn’t. You try hard to pretend you’re not terribly disappointed and definitely avoid jumping to silly conclusions like that he may just not care enough (of course he does, but he has a really good reason not to come)

It’s ‘next week’ already, and you loosen up. Start to enjoy yourself a bit. Afterall, it’s your vacation, among friends. Have a beer, dance a bit. Life.

Tuesday is a great day for you: all mature and together, you play the brilliant therapist who makes the best of a heated argument with two policemen and pumps up some confidence into a really confused 16 year old boy.

The sudden emotional closeness with the boy kinda gets to you: it’s so powerful, so intense. He smiles away his tears, but you’re left disturbed.

In order to help him, you had to open up a door that it’s been shut tightly for quite a while. And it’s a full moon, and you cannot protect your self any longer. You FEEL the loneliness, the longing, the desire. Damn kid! Why did he have to start crying?!?

2 a.m. The phone rings. He’s coming. Of course, he doesn’t actually say he’s coming for you – he has a good, safe reason to come. But you’re happy nevertheless. Get up, get dressed, try really hard not to burst with exhilaration. He’s on his way!

You actually see the car arriving, but you loose it in the crowd. Instead, you call Him. Twice. When he doesn’t answer, you get paranoid and question his reasons... Maybe what you thought was just an excuse, wasn’t... Maybe he doesn’t want to see you afterall – he’s actually here for his good reason - nothing to do with you... He’s done it before, you know – avoind you by not answering the phone, pretending you missunderstood his intensions... The nerve this guy has! To wake you up in the middle of the night like that. Take you for a fool!

You wander around for a while, aimlessly, hopeless, feeling like a lost dog, like a paria, tears stuck in your throat, but too confused to actually cry. You start writing an SMS: "I don't understand" but don’t send it. What for? If He wanted to talk, He would’ve…
So you go back to bed, petrified, numb. It hurts so much you just don’t feel it anymore. You feel like such a complete dork.

Defeated. Incapable of handling your own life.

7 a.m. The phone rings again. The common friend. You pretend not to feel the flirtatious irony in his voice. By this time you’re furious. You swear you’ll stop loving the jerk the next minute, and burst into tears when you realise you can’t: you're trapped, there's no way out.
When you finally get together, you’re all grumpy. And tensed up. And confused. He keeps close, but somehow avoids you. You missed his touch so much that everything he does or doesn’t do gets magnified by a million. He wants to know how you’ve been – you want to hear He’s missed you. He wants to talk, you want to be held.

He brought a friend along - who really likes you. And when you like him back, his acute flirting gets from a nuisance to a bother; and He doesn’t seem to mind. Does He even care? Does He even notice?

In his own twisted way, He hints that He has come to celebrate his birthday [with you? with the common friend? Damn! You missed it again] cos He’ll be going away for a while [with whom?]
His lack of affection reaches mythical proportions against the enthusiasm of his interested friend. And that whole inside gets bigger, and bigger. He needs to go, and you’re left behind.

Completely drained. Exhausted. Not quite knowing what hit you.


**

---- astro-advice of the week ----
Things may be getting more and more tense this week
as the days progress.

...then, a Full Moon in Aquarius on Wednesday,
is going to bring out emotions
that may have been suppressed for some time.

If you feel tired and unhappy,
then it may be best to keep a low profile

and to refrain from making any snap decisions...