July 27, 2010

We had it all, I gave it up, I wanted more

I have this friend. She’s beautiful, and has like a million friends, and everything in her life went easy. Always. She always gets her way, and she can see the sense in that. She never doubts it, for a second. Her right to the things she wants.

There is no rejection in her life. No telling her 'no'. There's no way she cannot have it all - all that she wants. And she cannot stand pain. Any, no matter how small. She doesn't see how it can make sense in getting something she wants. She doesn’t understand suffering for the sake of a greater good. I do.

Now why is that?

It doesn’t make me wiser, just more compliant. It doesn’t mean that I understand more about life, or whatever. My karma theories only help cover the feeling of discontent and helplessness with how my life always seem to lead to some sort of suffering, or letting go of things I cannot have. I need to give it some sort of sense, and it helps me to think that all things worth having are worth paying for. But what it all comes down to – do I end up paying more for the things others get for free?

And did I learn not to bother wanting things to cover for not having them? Did I learn being wise as a way to cope with rejection?

All the things I know now, all the things that make me look so wise and knowledgeable I had to figure them out because things seldom turn out the way I want them to. I'm often left with wondering what the hell went wrong, or why the hell can’t I have what I want, just for once? What it must be life for those who always get the best before they even move a neuron! I never get what I want, ever. Unless I can give it to myself, unless I can make it happen -and that usually means ‘things’ – because I have this innate fear of playing with people’s lives. It’s like… if I make someone do something, it’s not real. It’s manipulation, it’s fake, it’s not their free choice and it won’t last. Hence, it means nothing.

Yes, I do believe people can make people do things and bypass free choice. Not because I’m better or more powerful than others, not bc of some magical thinking on my part, but bc people often do give away their responsibility and fake participation and don’t own up to the things they do. I have tons of examples – friends, people who have confided in me over the years I’ve heard so many men wine about how they didn’t really want to get married and have kids, someone else made them do it – that I never dare tell a man “stay with me, I’m the best option for you”. Heck, what the hell do I know? I’m not the best anything. What would I do with a prisoner?

All my friends are (happily?) married. Half of them have children, quite nice ones I’d say. The other half desperately want some. And I feel caught in the middle of all this, the blank screen for everyone's projections. Often unsure of how I stand on these issues. I was the first of them to get drunk, have a serious rel, talk freely about sex, use drugs, or whatever. I still am the one who’s had the longest rel, longer than their marriages. The cleanest breakup. The more interesting life, I should say. I can usually face up to their criticism and pushing. About what I do, or don't - with my life. But now my ex has a baby, and I can’t help feeling like the looser.

Was there a competition I wasn’t aware of?

It feels like all my dreams and wants only managed to make a mess of things. No, I didn’t want to get married then. And probably not to him, as he was then. Didn’t like him that much actually. had stopped loving him at some point. Although I did love him - so much - it got lost on the way. I know it started with him sitting in next to the taxi driver and not me coming home from the hospital. I felt lonely then. And that woke me somehow to whom he really was and had been all along: a stranger. Someone looking at me from a distance, but never holding my hand.

But I listen to him to him now and he’s different. He’s alive, he’s real, he’s perceptive, for the first time ever he notices my feelings, talks about them, pays them respect. How is this possible? Is it he’s growing older? Is it the baby, and being a father – something I didn’t use to think would work that well for him? Or is it her – the woman we never really talk about. Did she change him? Is this her influence? And further, and more important – was it me, back then? Was I the one who “made” him so cold, and distant, and unresponsive.

How can my feelings matter now, when they never mattered then, for the whole 9 years we were together? Now that I don’t matter anymore...

Am I the secret, unrecognized architect behind my failures? Is it that despite my bestest efforts not to control others, my very refusal fuels their participation in the process and becomes their motivation?
Or is that by refusing to control them, I also refuse to control my own life - thus declining my responsibility for the whole damn thing that eventually becomes my life?
Is it too much to want the other to bear the responsibility of choosing me?

So I can’t stop feeling like I lost. All the way. I traded him for the one that didn’t really love me after all. The one that never even acknowledged me - nor my feelings, or his; the one that pretended that nothing ever happened and I didn’t matter at all. The one I could never look in the eyes and tell "choose me!".
The one that wouldn’t even allow me the right to mourn his loss, as how could I have lost something that never happened? How my behavior could had been appropriate, how could my anger be just, when I never existed in the first place? Or maybe he never existed, I’m... I don't know anymore. I remember someone making me feel special, and loved. Someone encouraging me to do what’s right for me, someone who’s eyes kept smiling when looking at me. Someone who loved touching me. But I never got to have all that. It just went poof! the second I tried to touch it back. And I was left wondering.

Now why is that?

Why do I understand suffering as a just price to pay for the things I want?
Now I know I have a lot of nice things; but that's just not the point. Why do I never get what I want, even though I keep wanting less and less over the years?
Do we really ever get to choose what we get?

I know it looks like we had it all. Maybe we did, but I didn’t.

I wanted love.
And I never really got that either, did I? Now why is that?

July 17, 2010

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

E d'abia iulie, dar am senzatia ca a trecut o vesnicie. Anul asta ma prinde mereu pe picior gresit. Scap mereu bile din mana - nu sunt un jongler bun. Nu-mi place de mine asa imprastiata. Faci un lucru, si bun, asta sunt eu. Dar nu anul asta.

Ma simt de parca le-am scos pe toate si le-am intins pe masa, sa le vad in sfarsit, sa le stiu care sunt. Dar nu apuc. Nu ma mai apuc.
Si sunt extrem de nemultumita de mine - fac greseli, prea multe. Nimic nu mai e perfect si-mi vine sa urlu. (sa nu se trezeasca vreunu sa-mi reproseze iar ca's prea perfectiunista ca'i fut una peste bot de nu se vede! Mediocrii n-au ce cauta aici: mars! Si-asa sunteti prea multi si-mi respirati mie aerul. Degeaba.

Deci. Ce naiba se intampla cu mine?
Anu' trecut am facut un film. Ma rog, unii au crezut ca o sa fac filmu' lor (cu banii si munca mea, d'oh), si a iesit cu scantei. Vina mea ca n-am folosit italicele si boldurile cand am scris "vrei sa scrii ceva pentru mine?". Poate am zis atunci "impreuna" - intre timp m-am desteptat. In domeniul asta, cand e vb de scriitori - regizor - producator - actori, nu exista impreuna. Fiecare isi face propria opera, ceilalti il incurca. Sunt recunoscatoare pt aportu altora, dar zau ca viziunea tre sa fie unitara - a UNUIA - ca altfel se duce dracului totu. Si cand lucrezi cu mine, ala sunt EU. Nu pt ca sunt mai desteapta, ci pt eu am pus bolovanu in miscare. Urci sau te dai din drum.

L-am revazut de curand: e ok, dar are nevoie sa fie editat de cinevga care chiar stie (ie nu de mine; sorry Cati, pe tine nu te bag in oala). S-a ales prafu de el, oricum. Daca l-au inteles unii, aia's putini. Prea putini. Poate e prea complicat. Mult prea complicat. Si eu mi-am prins urechile cand am aranjat itele. Am incercat sa le arat altora cum vad eu lumea - cu toate dedesubturile scoase la iveala. Si s-au pierdut printre ele. Le-am dat de ales unde sa se uite, si s-au blocat. Le-am dat de ales ce sa vrea, si mi-au reprosat ca eu nu stiu. Shit. Prea multa libertate strica la cap. La unele capete. Ok, nu stiu de fapt cat de coerent e. Nu stiu daca... ba stiu. Pt ca sunt oameni carora nu le-am zis un cuvant inainte, si au inteles. Au simtit, ca asta era ideea.

Anyways... dupa asta m-am dus la fund. Ce sens are, nu sunt in stare, de ce aia, de nu aia, cat de proasta sunt de fapt, blah-blah. D'aia stau oamenii in patucurile lor caldute - ca sa nu-si chinuie neuronii cu intrebari din astea ecou.

Din senin, intr-o zi, am decis sa-mi iau casa - garsoniera, deh. Vreau caine, deci tre sa ma mut de aici. NU pentru ca prietenele mele gospodine provinciale si psihologi de buzunar cred ca TREBUIE aia si aia. Tare as vrea sa le strig cat de incuiate sunt. Doamne, urasc pe toata lumea azi. O frigida care crede ca io's obsedata pt ca pot vorbi despre sex fara sa ma fac rosie/verde la fata. Si implicit, probabil ca mi-e frica sa fac copii, din moment ce m-am indragostit de un timid. FUCK! Atata ipocrizie ma sufoca. Alte 2 care s-au maritat cu al doilea barbat care le-a zis buna inapoi (primu a fost Marea Dragoste Neimpartasita, un Neinteles fascinant si hiper orginal, of course [ie Looser], si acum imi dau mie lectii Despre Viata. Inelu' si hartia le-a marit si IQ-ul, si experienta de viata. In capu' lor sec. Doar bunu' simt, common sense-ul englezesc le-a scapat printre degete. Alea de la picioarele pe care si le-au bagat in el. Per ansamblu, sunt sigur deprimata pt ca LOR le e frica sa fie singure, pt ca n-am chef sa vorbesc despre problemele mele la comanda, si pt ca nu retin ca un automat toate detaliile [IRELEVANTE] ale unor discutii pedante [circulare] despre nimic.

Deci astea sunt prietenele mele. Trist, foarte trist.
Ei, ma alint. Mai sunt si altii. Altii ok. Cu care ma vad mai rar, care nu-si baga aiurea nasu', care nu ma suna doar cand au nevoie de mine (sau macar de urechile mele, banii mei, etc).
Ma infurie neputinta mea - de a-i trimite pe toti, bulk, la dracu. Sau macar pe fiecare in parte, cand o cere. Cine dracu m-a invatat sa ma simt vinovata sa fac pe desteapta?!?

Deci, revenind. Mi-am luat o garsoniera - nu stiu de ce pe aia. Nu stiu de ce atunci. la un moment dat renuntasem, ca nu gaseam ce vroiam. Asa a trebuit sa fie. Din mai multe motive.
Din altele, stupide, am cheltuit o avere sa o renovez. Asta a fost o tampenie incredibila din partea mea. Bagati la cap ce va zic: NU va mai cumparati case nearanjate; nu se merita efortul, timpul, banii pe care ii mai cheltui dupa aia. Nu mai zic ca e posibil si sa nu iasa bine si sa te sinucizi din cauza asta. Serios acuma: cel mai bine e sa cumperi ceva ce-ti place, e in forma, mai schimbi un robinet, un bec si o culoare de perete, si gata. Stii exact cat te costa, cum arata produsul final, si efortul tau va fi sa numeri banii si sa dai cu subsemnatu. Renovatu e un cosmar. Inca ma trec fiori pe sina spinarii. Si inca nu e gata :-((

Bani nu mai am asa multi. Nu cat mi-ar placea mie, oricum. Cainele ala al naibii costa o avere. Acasa asta nou e de fapt un balaur cu 12 capete care inghite bani. Tre sa ma intorc in campu' muncii, si nu sunt pregatita pt asta. Ce naiba a fost in capul meu, frate? Imi era asa bine. Cati pantofi, cate genti, cate farduri imi cumparam de banii aia. alea probleme, ce aveam io. Fir-ar!

ok, nu asta e problema - ci ca ma simt eu asa... confuza. Cand am plecat din Connex, stiam exact ce vreau sa fac. Aveam un vision. Un vis. L-am implinit. Nemaipomenit. Now, what? Siguru lucru pe care stiu ca-l vreau e catelu. Si pe el inapoi, sort of. Ca sa n-o iau de la capat ca nu mai am chef sa-mi prostituiez sentimetele. Si sa decid o data naibii ce culoare fac peretii aia, sa termin cu renovatu. Parca as vrea sa mai fac un film, mai mult de mila pt aia 40 de milioane pe care i-am dat nenorocitilor alora de la facultate - sa primesc ceva de ei.

Dar ce sa fac cu mine, cu viata mea. Incotro. Mi-e sila sa ma apuc de altceva. S-o iau iar de la capat. Dar nu prea vad optiuni. Mi-e sila de mine ca ma plictisesc de chestii sigure, ca-mi plac chestiile care se platesc prost si ca nu's in stare sa accept asta. Sunt al dracului de materialista. Am lucrat un an pe 75 lei ziua. Ziua inceputa la 2 noaptea, sau la 5, terminata 20-22 de ore later, pe 50 de grade sau -20. Si m-am simit nemaipomenit. Ca un peste in apa. Eu care ma tarasc din pat cel devreme la 10, saream plina de energie cand suna tel la 1:30. Asta vreau, pricepi. Pentru tot restu vietii, asta vreau. Dar nu-mi place iaurtul, si in ciuda siluetei mele, mananc mult, si-mi plac o gramada de bunatati. Si catelul, saracu, o sa vrea si el o jucarie, ceva. Niste pernite din alea cu stuff inside, o tocanita. Un vaccin. Cum sa-i sacrific lui binele pt fericirea mea stupida? Ce stiu eu? Nu-mi era naibii bine cu 1000+ euro pe luna, deh. Ce frumos ar fi putut fi in cladirile alea gri, daca inchideam si eu un pic ochii...

M-am gandit, am intors-o pe toate fetele. Sunt intr-un impas. Am incercat sa vorbesc cu oameni, mai mult ma enervez. Ar treb sa port o placuta de gat: "M-am gandit deja la asta." Imi rasuna in cap vorbele Irinei: Dar tu ai putea face orice. De parca asta ar putea fi o solutie.

Ma rog. Poate o sa-mi vina. De obicei asa e - le las asa, si-mi vine. Sunt doar obosita. Am alergat cam mult anii astia. Am asteptat cam mult. ... "sa se intample ceva minunat". LOL Ce prostie. Singurele lucruri care s-au "intamplat", le-am creat io, cu mainile mele. Ok, El s-a intamplat. A picat din cer - dar mi-a picat in cap, si am si acum ditai cucuiu. Si bine am facut ca n-am crezut, ca prea stralucea numa pe-o parte. Era rugina pe la incheieturi. Cel mai frumos lucru care mi s-a intamplat e si cel mai trist. O neintelegere clar, dar nu a mea, ca io am inteles din prima. In momente din alea e al dracului de neconvenabil sa fii destept. Si poate si mai neconvenabil sa decizi sa-ti tii gura. Cand am decis oare asta? Unii inca ma stiu de frica. De ce-oi fi decis tocmai atunci? N-am gasit ceva mai bun de facut din dragoste? Din dragoste pt cine? Pe cine am iubit eu mai mult in povestea asta? Pe "mama", probabil - adica pe cealalta femeie. Aia singura, si batrana, si speriata de singuratate, si competitie. LOL. Flatant ca a crezut asta. Eu renuntasem deja, din prima. Sperand ca macar ea o sa ma iubeasca. Guess what? Nici n-a observat.

Am cam supracompensat, vad. Daca sunt asa desteapta, cum de nu ma prind? Cum de fac greseli stupide? Cum de vreau chestii imposibile? Ma simt nesigura, pacat de neiertat in lumea mea. Nesigura pe mine.
Ma indoiesc ca 'totu va fi bine', pt ca ma simt epuizata - si dc nu eu, atunci cine o sa faca totul sa fie bine, eh?

E atat de complicat sa fiu eu. As vrea sa fiu altcineva. Cineva care nu s-a gandit niciodata cine o sa fie maine. Cineva care e mereu la fel, care vede toate casele patrate si acoperisurile triungiulare. Era mult mai simplu cand nu stiam cine sunt.
As fi putut fi oricine.