August 13, 2006
How to mess up your life in less than 10 hours, with a little help from Him
first, you go on holiday with 4 couples, and a hundred or so witnessed kisses later, your own loneliness against the romantic scenery starts to weight heavenly on you.
You go to bed early, to avoid the dark silhouettes holding each other lovingly against the moon light over the sea. You don’t drink, and don’t focus the people around not to see other men and be reminded of how much you long for a touch.
His touch. It Must be that way.
Tension really builds up over the weakened: he might show up. He doesn’t. You try hard to pretend you’re not terribly disappointed and definitely avoid jumping to silly conclusions like that he may just not care enough (of course he does, but he has a really good reason not to come)
It’s ‘next week’ already, and you loosen up. Start to enjoy yourself a bit. Afterall, it’s your vacation, among friends. Have a beer, dance a bit. Life.
Tuesday is a great day for you: all mature and together, you play the brilliant therapist who makes the best of a heated argument with two policemen and pumps up some confidence into a really confused 16 year old boy.
The sudden emotional closeness with the boy kinda gets to you: it’s so powerful, so intense. He smiles away his tears, but you’re left disturbed.
In order to help him, you had to open up a door that it’s been shut tightly for quite a while. And it’s a full moon, and you cannot protect your self any longer. You FEEL the loneliness, the longing, the desire. Damn kid! Why did he have to start crying?!?
2 a.m. The phone rings. He’s coming. Of course, he doesn’t actually say he’s coming for you – he has a good, safe reason to come. But you’re happy nevertheless. Get up, get dressed, try really hard not to burst with exhilaration. He’s on his way!
You actually see the car arriving, but you loose it in the crowd. Instead, you call Him. Twice. When he doesn’t answer, you get paranoid and question his reasons... Maybe what you thought was just an excuse, wasn’t... Maybe he doesn’t want to see you afterall – he’s actually here for his good reason - nothing to do with you... He’s done it before, you know – avoind you by not answering the phone, pretending you missunderstood his intensions... The nerve this guy has! To wake you up in the middle of the night like that. Take you for a fool!
You wander around for a while, aimlessly, hopeless, feeling like a lost dog, like a paria, tears stuck in your throat, but too confused to actually cry. You start writing an SMS: "I don't understand" but don’t send it. What for? If He wanted to talk, He would’ve…
So you go back to bed, petrified, numb. It hurts so much you just don’t feel it anymore. You feel like such a complete dork.
Defeated. Incapable of handling your own life.
7 a.m. The phone rings again. The common friend. You pretend not to feel the flirtatious irony in his voice. By this time you’re furious. You swear you’ll stop loving the jerk the next minute, and burst into tears when you realise you can’t: you're trapped, there's no way out.
When you finally get together, you’re all grumpy. And tensed up. And confused. He keeps close, but somehow avoids you. You missed his touch so much that everything he does or doesn’t do gets magnified by a million. He wants to know how you’ve been – you want to hear He’s missed you. He wants to talk, you want to be held.
He brought a friend along - who really likes you. And when you like him back, his acute flirting gets from a nuisance to a bother; and He doesn’t seem to mind. Does He even care? Does He even notice?
In his own twisted way, He hints that He has come to celebrate his birthday [with you? with the common friend? Damn! You missed it again] cos He’ll be going away for a while [with whom?]
His lack of affection reaches mythical proportions against the enthusiasm of his interested friend. And that whole inside gets bigger, and bigger. He needs to go, and you’re left behind.
Completely drained. Exhausted. Not quite knowing what hit you.
---- astro-advice of the week ----
Things may be getting more and more tense this week
as the days progress.
...then, a Full Moon in Aquarius on Wednesday,
is going to bring out emotions
that may have been suppressed for some time.
If you feel tired and unhappy,
then it may be best to keep a low profile
and to refrain from making any snap decisions...
by Cris at 3:53 PM