Dear Love Tactics,
I have been seeing the person of my dreams for some time now, but I seem to be at an impasse. I don’t know what more I can do. I have declared my undying love many times, but that doesn’t seem to do the trick to get them to reciprocate. I wish I knew what to do.
Apparently love alone doesn’t do the trick, because if it did I’d be married to this person by now. I cannot imagine a love stronger than I have for this person! What more could I possibly do?
~ Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
You’ve got to understand, first of all, that once somebody becomes convinced way down deep inside them that you really, really love them, it becomes like a well springing up inside of them flowing with love back for you. They can’t help it. It’s involuntary.
Now the problem is not that people don’t respond to being loved, but that most people who profess to love another just haven’t successfully made their case yet! That’s right! They haven’t convinced the One they feel so passionate towards that what they feel for them is true love.
is it you not being convincing enough? is it that you don't really realy love them, or is it that the One you love is having a hard time believing they are loved/loveable (on behalf of some deep insecurity issue). cris
Dear Tom,
OK, smart guy! How am I supposed to convey this “true love” you speak of?
~ Skeptical
Dear Skeptical,
Here are a few of the elements of true love:
(1) True Love is accepting of, and happy with, a person just as they are even if for the moment that includes their being somewhat judgmental and rejecting towards ourselves;
(2) True Love is discerning, and able to recognize that a person is masking for us, putting on their best selves, and hiding their judgmental attitudes towards us; but that is what it is being secretly critical and unaccepting of our own human weaknesses;
(3) True Love is patient, able to allow the One We Want to progress at their own pace; not trying to force them to love us before they’re ready; and
(4) True Love is longsuffering; able to accept hearing judgments of us by the One we think so highly of and suffering it without striking back in some way;
In final answer to your question, the best way in the world to convey “true love” is to let the One You Want show themselves for who they are, in all their weaknesses of passing judgment on you,
and not let it destroy you.
Persistent kindness in the face of these painful revelations will go far in touching the heart of the One You Want.
Ironically, your best chance to prove your love comes after they out and out reject you. The wise lover understands that in losing the battle, he or she can still win the war.
Copyright 2002-2004 Love Tactics, LLC, Boston MA
I guess it isn't worth discussing why some people, including the One, are out to hurt you. the matter of fact is - people do that. and the scary, twisted thing is that they do it when they do love you, because they do love you.
it may be that they don't really believe deep down they're worth to be loved - so they either test you or your lack of sound judgment (how stupid are you to love someone so unworthy ;-)
it may be that they fear all that hard work they should put into a meaningful relationship, and they're trying for a easy way out: you may just ran away (thus saving the trouble and reinforcing their self-deprecating beliefs that it wasn't love, or it's not worth the try anyway)
and it goes double for you: it’s so much easier to swim in the shallow waters; you don’t get to face any real intimacy, exposure or vulnerability. as long as you keep the One you love away, you can’t get hurt –
because only the one you love holds that kind of power over you. everyone else is incidental.
P.S. so... who wants to go first?