June 27, 2006

In order to grow, we must step outside of our comfort zone. ~John Maxwell

_ So, what is your greatest fear, she asks?

_ Oh, I duno. What’s yours? I childishly attempt to throw the ball back in her court.

_ Don’t do that! she shakes her head understandingly. We’re talking about You now.

_ But there’s nothing all that interesting about me, I shun, stressing each word. I’m just like everybody else. Nothing special, really.
_ Well, of course you are! And that should make it easier for you now: to open up. C’mon. it will do you good.

I try to take her on her word…’it would be good for me’. .. _ The truth is, I say aloud. I don’t really want to tell you.
_ Do you even know? she ducks.
Do I even know? sure I do, it’s… damn, it’s hard. There’re so many things I fear. My greatest?

She watches me patiently, as I weight things in my head. Memories come and go, secret dreams dare to come forward for a split of a thought. Where should I look: in my past? To my future?

_ Same thing, she interrupts abruptly.
Say, what? What’s the same?
_ It doesn’t matter where it comes from and what it does to you. Stop avoiding the issue and look her straight in the eyes!

Blood rushes into my chicks; I feel them burning; I take a deep breath and look up, all pepped up to the challenge.

She’s not there, though. My eyes stare blank, in disbelief.

June 19, 2006

"How would you like to be buried with my people?"

Somewhere at age 29 there’s supposed to be this thick line in the sand. In preparation for the big moment, I’m beginning to count my ducks. I was born ‘old’, you see. And wise. Now I’m getting younger by the year, and I starting to enjoy it. I’m actually beginning to get the idea behind this ‘living’ thing. So, it's like time to make the next big step, I just have no clue what that may be. Lets see: the small print of the instructions I (must have) come with.

no1: No surprises. (Bummer! Just when I thought I was so darn cool.) It just hit me tonight that I can accept anything: .... like a blue alien landing on my balcony, asking me to marry him and have his blue, 3 eyed, one handed kids, leaving everything behind to live on his million-light-years-away planet; do you love me? Oh, ok, then: it makes sense!... … as long as I had thought about it before. Catch me off guard, and … I’ll need to think about it.

The irony of someone as changeable as I to need more time. Don't hate me, plz! be patient with me until I figure it out. I don’t mind changing my big plan (aah, yes! There’s always a plan), as long as I see it how it all fits together. If I have imagined it at some point or another in my life: we’re saved. Thank God for my never-stopping imagination. Any day now, I will have covered every possible scenario ;-) (yes, that's probably what I'm doing when you're talking to me and I'm not paying attention: I’m tryin on things)

I guess I just need to be prepared. For anything. For just-in-case. Hence: The PLAN. (false sense of security, I know.)

Another horrible reality is that I can’t just do stuff. I need a Motivation. Like an actor reading the lines. Where am I going with this? The Plan needs a guiding line, a purpose. A WHY.

the why gets elaborated into a Plot. Sartre thought that man has only one thing to figure out: whether life is worth living. Or not. Yo, Mum! I was way too young when I read that! If I could just stop thinking for a second, the silence would allow me to indulge. As if! (plz notice that I didn’t get into the whole ‘you can always dissert or commit suicide’ line of thought. I’m strong enough to just walk away now, though it’s nice to know I will always have Plan B) .

Of course, the Plan and the Motivation paint to me the Big Picture. Hold the details for the patient ones. I don’t need that: don’t care! What's the general idea?

What’s the Meaning of it all? I just can’t stand the feeling of being just-one-of-those-things. I loved this guy for like 7 years, and then, one day, he made the mistake of treating ‘some-girl’ just like he treated me. In a split of a second, it hit me that … I wasn’t so special to him! I was replaceable! By the second’s end, I was gone!

There’s 6 billion others in the world, half of which are women. If the man I love can’t see any difference, then I’ll have to ask the Big Question: why him?

So, to conclude this wavery train of thought (all of which is simply trying to establish who-the-hell am I, what am I doing here, etc-etc) I found this line on an astrology site by Bob Marks. Someone like me would say that to their 'significant other' (see, dear? There’s a reason they call it THAT!), and it made perfect sense to me. For reasons I cannot even begin to understand.

It is ... in a way, who I am.

June 18, 2006

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it” Churchill

"Meciul de astazi dintre Romania si Franta a fost un spectacol total din punct de vedere rugbystic. „Cocosii” si „stejarii” au aratat ce inseamna un meci de rugby disputat la inalt nivel si ne-au facut sa ne dorim mai des astfel de jocuri la noi in tara." http://www.rugby.ro/articol_a.asp?aid=10275

siiigur! daca a fost asa maret, cum de s-a terminat 60-si EI, 14 noi?? cum de ne-au bagat eseu-dupa eseu de nu puteam sa intorc capul sa vad si io langa cine naiba m-am asezat- zbang! alt eseu. ..care naiba striga incontinuu acolo jos '"allez_france!" - zbang, inca unu. cred ca si francezii erau putin uimiti. "am mingea! hai, nu ma opreste nimeni? nu, ba, du-te! lasa ca te prind cand te intorci...ce crezi?! tot p'aici treci, nici o grija!"

un sictir pe ai nostri, ce n-am pomenit. o plictiseala si o economie de energie de-ai jura ca mergeau pe baterii de unica folosinta. ah, da_ va rog. pe aici. nu, nu mergeti p'acolo, ca-i inghesuiala. va fac io loc. ia da-te bah, sa treaca domnu' cu mingea! nu va suparati ca va calc putin pe cap, am crezut ca e colegu'. da cu mingea asta ce-i aicia: e a dvs?

nota pt fete: jucatorii aia chiar sunt impresionant de mari (ok, unii), si trebuie sa fie tare curajosi sa se arunce asa cu capul inainte. live pare mult mai periculos decat la televizor.

terenul e mai mic decat mi-l imaginasem; sunt foarte multi oameni pe teren altii decat jucatorii - tot timpul. asta nu se vede la tv. si sunt multi francezi in bucuresti care stiau de meci. cam atat. ma mai duc! sper sa prind si meciuri serioase.

June 16, 2006

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to love

Nothing is for free! And although we may all know that, sometimes we take certain things for granted (i.e. “underestimate the value of”). Many times, we take love for granted.

We expect things to be easy nowadays. No effort required, no adjustments.

Naturally, we make conscious efforts to get a good education, or a good job; we pay the people who entertain, feed or cloth us, but we don't value the people who spend time with us, hold us, kiss us, the people who listen to our confessions, the people who entrust us with their intimate thoughts and dreams, the people who care for our problems and share theirs with us, the ones that are happy for our successes and sad for our setbacks, the ones we can call in the middle of the night crying, or the ones that pick us up when we fall down.

We seem to take for granted the love we receive as if it has no value to us, as if we don’t really want it. Not that much, anyways. Well, don’t we?!?

The strongest people I know (me included) find it very difficult to recognize that they need others in their lives, that their well-being, and happiness depends on this 'service' others provide.

We certainly value what we give to others. Since the ones we love and trust make us vulnerable beyond defendable, we’ve gotten quite skilled at controlling what we give, the ‘amount of’ and ‘timing of’ our giving. We know is a tool we use to manipulate people: 'do this to prove you love me' is actually 'do it or you lose my love.' We can control what we give and that puts as in a position of power.

Reverse the situation, and you find yourself at the other end of the stick. When you need or reject something that is not in your power, you are no longer 'free'. You are a slave, at the merci of your master. You’ve played the game before (you do it all the time), so you know they will play it too: they will use your own feelings and needs against you.

Once you accept, in your heart, that what you receive from people is valuable to you, you are in danger. A baby crying for its mum believes in his tiny heart that it will certainly die without her. It is not in its power to satisfy its needs, so their lives are bound together for better or worse. We’ve all been there before, we all have the experience (and possibly the memory). We know what it feels like to be helpless. And at some point in our lives, we made a decision to never depend on another as long as we live.

We need to acknowledge the effort it takes to be there for another.

We do need to receive love as much as we need to give it. It’s not a power game, it’s human reality, and we can start by setting free the ones we love, because this is in our power. Yes, they might go away, but the ones who stay are there for the long run. And you will be able to trust them with your life.

Stop demanding or expecting things in exchange for your love! They will do it anyway, because they want to. Say “I need this” instead of “I need you to do this”. They will find their own way to love you, as there’s no right or wrong way to do that.

Stating what you need is a position of trust,

stating what you need from someone else is a position of power.

pic by Mondino
watch AXN, Sambata, 23:45, talk radio, r. oliver stone.

June 13, 2006

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings:

always darker, emptier and simpler.” Nietzsche

As I was working on my grad paper (long ago!), I discovered that no amount of scientific research and statistical data can ever fight the so called “common knowledge”, and the prejudices that naturally go along with it.

Further, I was faced with the terrible awareness of the fact that most ‘common knowledge’ is full of crap; that is… ‘normal’ or ‘usual’ behaviors, believes or practices are wrong, off-base or misunderstood.

Well, on short, life was not what I had expected it to be: not fair, not right, not just. And the truth (with its many versions) is often a whore.

Right there and then I realized that I had to make a choice: stick to what I knew to be right and face the loneliness of that course or join the rest of the human race in its quest for sugar and light entertainment.

Being imperfect, I went into denial and refused to make the choice. “There had to be”, I hoped, “a middle way; a trick to save me from actually taking sides”. My darkest fear was, apparently, that the old ways and values I was so keen on were a recipe for loneliness and misery. Even though I was sorta used to stand alone, I wasn’t ready for a whole life like that.

Anyways, time flew by. And things happened that challenged my beliefs and values on a more personal rather than philosophical level. A sad couple of years later, and here I stand (as confused as ever), but with a firmer inner base. Somehow, now I know when I’m right and I know not to give in, or give up just because the people telling me so are 'successful'.

While I don’t agree with the values of this society, I need also to release the fear of not being successful in its terms. And stop questioning myself just because the ‘rest of the world’ says different.

Don’t get me wrong. Rules are there for a good cause. The problem is probably that everyone breaks them now. Everyone takes short-cuts. No one has patience, or inner-discipline, or morals, everyone feels entitled.

Worst part: most people I know, even the socially successful ones, have the moral development of a 4 year old (I do want I want as long as I don’t get caught; if I don’t get punished then it’s ok).

So I’m doing this for myself. I’m doing it to remind myself of what I think it’s right and wrong, of what I think is fair and just, and ‘natural’. In this twisted world, I forget, and I get really confused, and I can’t seem to find any guide lines around me either.

People are in a hurry: even when they know something to be true, they can’t waste the energy and time to point that out. They need to move on, worry about their own lives, and careers. No time for such abstract matters that bring no concrete gains.

I’m doing this so I don’t forget. Right now, all alone in my room, I know whom I love, whom I don’t; I know what I believe in and what is crap. But all your voices creep in inside my head and make such a good impression that… I can’t fight you off with words.

I can’t fight you off with reason. Reason has gotten rotten over the years; its meaning has been long compromised and made to serve the golden gods. But I can use feelings. Funny thing: no one can escape their own feelings, and reason is helpless facing them.

Popular culture has tried to tame feelings, put tags on them, defined and constrained them, hid them behind rules and prejudice. To no avail. They still define our lives – for better or worse.

I found this in a book and it makes perfect sense to me. Forget the thousand of words you know to describe feelings; look inside, take away the glitter and dust of fashion trends, and you’ll find only four basic feelings:


Whenever you feel one of the first three, you should know something is wrong. You are being under attack. And then, depending on your whole background, you will either
  • fight back (and get angry)
  • blame yourself (and become sad)
  • or feel helpless (and scared)

    Are you happy?

pic by Hugh MacLeod

June 05, 2006

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. ~Navajo Proverb

I set myself up again.

I’m sooo angry.
The anger twists and turns inside, and consumes me like I was some cheap candle. I’m a worthless piece of meat. I can’t think, I can’t walk, I can even cry. And I don’t dream anymore; as if I’m dead inside. I move around like an empty case.
It feels like I’m running around in circles, and my whole energy is trapped in this whirlwind from hell. I’m stuck. Nothing more I can do! I keep telling myself. Why the fuck am I so damn stubborn? Tried everything. That’s it! Gotta stop at some point, draw a line. Have a backbone!

Admit failure.
Yeah, so I got it wrong: ONCE. My feelings were wrong.
I was wrong
I’ve never been wrong before.
It’s different this time. Nothing to do about it, really. It’s not an exact science. You’d think you’d only get better in time, but … what has time got to do with it, anyway?!?
Feelings get all mixed up. One minute you think you have it all figured out, and the next you’re hanging in mid air, with not a damn thing to support you.

Yeah, so I speak dirty when I’m pissed. It helps to relieve some pressure. so what? Can’t handle it? You think some emotions are not appropriate? Who the fuck taught you that? Your dad…when you fell and hit yourself, and started crying like a baby? Or was it your mum who told ya that ‘big boys are not afraid of the dark’?!?

Guess what? Everyone’s afraid of the dark! … everyone…

Ya know what? Fuck off, all you cowards! Come back when you’re ready to be honest with yourselves.
… and pay some respect to your own feelings!

one more thing: feelings cannot be rhetorical. don't take them for granted!

pic by mondino