A friend told me once that I had lost the train; And I spent a long time wondering if there really had been one. Not knowing was the most painful and heartbreaking experience of my life. They say that ‘missed opportunities revenge themselves’, and knowing that made me fear...
…had my decision to pass it by been a mistake?
Unable to trust my own senses – I feared that Fate had taken over, bringing to life my deepest fears. And that was unacceptable. I needed to clear things up. I needed to make sure that the shadows of my past would not tarnish the new life I chose for myself.
An unrelated remark startled me, reminding of something that had puzzled me from the start. "He would only come home when he got hungry. Not having food awaiting for him is the only lack of affection he can remember".
Food is a symbol of life, and trust. The life of a new-born depends on the food coming from its mum. Their everlasting bond starts with the merging of their bodies, one feeding the other into being; and it continues well into a child's life – food and love merging into the concept of care.
We even teach our dogs to only accept food from the people we trust. Food can make the difference between life and death, and it can convey the message of love and affection. So many people feed themselves the love they miss and long for. Dining out is nothing but a social integration of this symbolic reality: we feed our loved ones; we take them out to eat. We are what we eat.
And for whatever reason, I've always been more sensitive when it came to food. During college, my best friend was thrilled when I finally accepted food from her - years into our friendship! She had earned it - I could finally trust her with my life.
From the very beginning, my body must have sensed the deception - and refused to be a part of it.
To my dismay, it refused to take any of it in: my favorites foods, nevertheless! I felt completely betrayed by its stubbornness to not play along, and to unexpectedly shut down in the face of the very affection I had so long awaited for. I did not recognize myself. I was in awe. Everything I had ever wished for... and for some strange reason, I could not trust the love he was offering me.
And now I know what my body had known all along. If it looks too good to be true, it probably isn't.
“There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.” Nietzsche