June 19, 2006

"How would you like to be buried with my people?"

Somewhere at age 29 there’s supposed to be this thick line in the sand. In preparation for the big moment, I’m beginning to count my ducks. I was born ‘old’, you see. And wise. Now I’m getting younger by the year, and I starting to enjoy it. I’m actually beginning to get the idea behind this ‘living’ thing. So, it's like time to make the next big step, I just have no clue what that may be. Lets see: the small print of the instructions I (must have) come with.

no1: No surprises. (Bummer! Just when I thought I was so darn cool.) It just hit me tonight that I can accept anything: .... like a blue alien landing on my balcony, asking me to marry him and have his blue, 3 eyed, one handed kids, leaving everything behind to live on his million-light-years-away planet; do you love me? Oh, ok, then: it makes sense!... … as long as I had thought about it before. Catch me off guard, and … I’ll need to think about it.

The irony of someone as changeable as I to need more time. Don't hate me, plz! be patient with me until I figure it out. I don’t mind changing my big plan (aah, yes! There’s always a plan), as long as I see it how it all fits together. If I have imagined it at some point or another in my life: we’re saved. Thank God for my never-stopping imagination. Any day now, I will have covered every possible scenario ;-) (yes, that's probably what I'm doing when you're talking to me and I'm not paying attention: I’m tryin on things)

I guess I just need to be prepared. For anything. For just-in-case. Hence: The PLAN. (false sense of security, I know.)

Another horrible reality is that I can’t just do stuff. I need a Motivation. Like an actor reading the lines. Where am I going with this? The Plan needs a guiding line, a purpose. A WHY.

the why gets elaborated into a Plot. Sartre thought that man has only one thing to figure out: whether life is worth living. Or not. Yo, Mum! I was way too young when I read that! If I could just stop thinking for a second, the silence would allow me to indulge. As if! (plz notice that I didn’t get into the whole ‘you can always dissert or commit suicide’ line of thought. I’m strong enough to just walk away now, though it’s nice to know I will always have Plan B) .

Of course, the Plan and the Motivation paint to me the Big Picture. Hold the details for the patient ones. I don’t need that: don’t care! What's the general idea?

What’s the Meaning of it all? I just can’t stand the feeling of being just-one-of-those-things. I loved this guy for like 7 years, and then, one day, he made the mistake of treating ‘some-girl’ just like he treated me. In a split of a second, it hit me that … I wasn’t so special to him! I was replaceable! By the second’s end, I was gone!

There’s 6 billion others in the world, half of which are women. If the man I love can’t see any difference, then I’ll have to ask the Big Question: why him?

So, to conclude this wavery train of thought (all of which is simply trying to establish who-the-hell am I, what am I doing here, etc-etc) I found this line on an astrology site by Bob Marks. Someone like me would say that to their 'significant other' (see, dear? There’s a reason they call it THAT!), and it made perfect sense to me. For reasons I cannot even begin to understand.

It is ... in a way, who I am.

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