Somewhere at age 29 there’s supposed to be this thick line in the sand. In preparation for the big moment, I’m beginning to count my ducks. I was born ‘old’, you see. And wise. Now I’m getting younger by the year, and I starting to enjoy it. I’m actually beginning to get the idea behind this ‘living’ thing. So, it's like time to make the next big step, I just have no clue what that may be. Lets see: the small print of the instructions I (must have) come with.
no1: No surprises. (Bummer! Just when I thought I was so darn cool.) It just hit me tonight that I can accept anything: .... like a blue alien landing on my balcony, asking me to marry him and have his blue, 3 eyed, one handed kids, leaving everything behind to live on his million-light-years-away planet; do you love me? Oh, ok, then: it makes sense!... … as long as I had thought about it before. Catch me off guard, and … I’ll need to think about it.
The irony of someone as changeable as I to need more time. Don't hate me, plz! be patient with me until I figure it out. I don’t mind changing my big plan (aah, yes! There’s always a plan), as long as I see it how it all fits together. If I have imagined it at some point or another in my life: we’re saved. Thank God for my never-stopping imagination. Any day now, I will have covered every possible scenario ;-) (yes, that's probably what I'm doing when you're talking to me and I'm not paying attention: I’m tryin on things)
I guess I just need to be prepared. For anything. For just-in-case. Hence: The PLAN. (false sense of security, I know.)
Another horrible reality is that I can’t just do stuff. I need a Motivation. Like an actor reading the lines. Where am I going with this? The Plan needs a guiding line, a purpose. A WHY.
the why gets elaborated into a Plot. Sartre thought that man has only one thing to figure out: whether life is worth living. Or not. Yo, Mum! I was way too young when I read that! If I could just stop thinking for a second, the silence would allow me to indulge. As if! (plz notice that I didn’t get into the whole ‘you can always dissert or commit suicide’ line of thought. I’m strong enough to just walk away now, though it’s nice to know I will always have Plan B) .
Of course, the Plan and the Motivation paint to me the Big Picture. Hold the details for the patient ones. I don’t need that: don’t care! What's the general idea?
What’s the Meaning of it all? I just can’t stand the feeling of being just-one-of-those-things. I loved this guy for like 7 years, and then, one day, he made the mistake of treating ‘some-girl’ just like he treated me. In a split of a second, it hit me that … I wasn’t so special to him! I was replaceable! By the second’s end, I was gone!
There’s 6 billion others in the world, half of which are women. If the man I love can’t see any difference, then I’ll have to ask the Big Question: why him?
So, to conclude this wavery train of thought (all of which is simply trying to establish who-the-hell am I, what am I doing here, etc-etc) I found this line on an astrology site by Bob Marks. Someone like me would say that to their 'significant other' (see, dear? There’s a reason they call it THAT!), and it made perfect sense to me. For reasons I cannot even begin to understand.
It is ... in a way, who I am.