June 16, 2006

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to love

Nothing is for free! And although we may all know that, sometimes we take certain things for granted (i.e. “underestimate the value of”). Many times, we take love for granted.

We expect things to be easy nowadays. No effort required, no adjustments.

Naturally, we make conscious efforts to get a good education, or a good job; we pay the people who entertain, feed or cloth us, but we don't value the people who spend time with us, hold us, kiss us, the people who listen to our confessions, the people who entrust us with their intimate thoughts and dreams, the people who care for our problems and share theirs with us, the ones that are happy for our successes and sad for our setbacks, the ones we can call in the middle of the night crying, or the ones that pick us up when we fall down.

We seem to take for granted the love we receive as if it has no value to us, as if we don’t really want it. Not that much, anyways. Well, don’t we?!?

The strongest people I know (me included) find it very difficult to recognize that they need others in their lives, that their well-being, and happiness depends on this 'service' others provide.

We certainly value what we give to others. Since the ones we love and trust make us vulnerable beyond defendable, we’ve gotten quite skilled at controlling what we give, the ‘amount of’ and ‘timing of’ our giving. We know is a tool we use to manipulate people: 'do this to prove you love me' is actually 'do it or you lose my love.' We can control what we give and that puts as in a position of power.

Reverse the situation, and you find yourself at the other end of the stick. When you need or reject something that is not in your power, you are no longer 'free'. You are a slave, at the merci of your master. You’ve played the game before (you do it all the time), so you know they will play it too: they will use your own feelings and needs against you.

Once you accept, in your heart, that what you receive from people is valuable to you, you are in danger. A baby crying for its mum believes in his tiny heart that it will certainly die without her. It is not in its power to satisfy its needs, so their lives are bound together for better or worse. We’ve all been there before, we all have the experience (and possibly the memory). We know what it feels like to be helpless. And at some point in our lives, we made a decision to never depend on another as long as we live.

We need to acknowledge the effort it takes to be there for another.

We do need to receive love as much as we need to give it. It’s not a power game, it’s human reality, and we can start by setting free the ones we love, because this is in our power. Yes, they might go away, but the ones who stay are there for the long run. And you will be able to trust them with your life.

Stop demanding or expecting things in exchange for your love! They will do it anyway, because they want to. Say “I need this” instead of “I need you to do this”. They will find their own way to love you, as there’s no right or wrong way to do that.

Stating what you need is a position of trust,

stating what you need from someone else is a position of power.

pic by Mondino
watch AXN, Sambata, 23:45, talk radio, r. oliver stone.

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