la munca, bah!! (doar ca sa ma dau mare si sa "share")

adica yours trully invata sa manareasca chestii pe calculator - (i.e. sa editeze filme)

povestea:

prin septembrie, nashii mei m-au plimbat nitel prin jud brasov (cred). uite'asa am trecut pe langa falnica cetate a rasnovului - si am urcat ca cica mie-mi plac cetatile (si sabiile, si super-eroii... aveam o prietena care avea o sabie veche (si un samovar urias de argint); mi se parea foarte cool; dar eram teenager si mi se pareau multe chestii cool; nu ca acuma... :-P madalinei, georgianei, si altor necredinciosi).

tot ce e de vazut, am filmat io (cu o camera foto! sa n-aud complaints despre calitatea video/sunet, blah-blah-blah). sunt si niste poze - la poze. e si o taxa de intrare (parca 100 000 roli), care-ti cumpara dreptul sa vezi de aproape zidurile de piatra si pe interior (sic!)
ce nu pot sa va arat (ca costa prea mult o poza si io sunt cost-efficient) e curtea interioara - plina de 'relicve'/obiecte 'istorice': o caruta, niste vase mari, o gradina...

"si cam ce e de vazut?" o intreb pe tanti de la intrare... 'cum ce? zice ea... "cetatea!"
'ok, ok', ma inrosesc io ca un turist ignorant ce eram, 'ce anume?'... "pai mai sunt niste camere cu niste sulite d'alea de piatra vechi, niste coridoare, si cam atat" ...
aham...

(adica mereti voi daca sunteti mai smecheri si explicati-mi si mie de ce am urcat tot muntele ala? carute am mai vazut io... ok, ok! privelistea e nice. vezi si poze. si rasuna tare frumos barbieru' pe toata valea... rasuna frumos, ca 'tare' am muncit io sa-l fac sa sune... me=out)

Let's See If You Believe In Me

( I really Do Believe In You! )

“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, because I'm not myself, you see”

Surreal moment no1.

My 26 year old married +children girlfriends [gf for short], at a party, about some girl they know. Let’s call her ‘Ana’, for demonstration purposes. [notice: actual words were not kept in my records. I made these up, keeping their original meaning].

‘she’s like… old… she’s what? 30?!? What’s wrong with her? She definitely has to lose the attitude, lower those standards! Where is she going to find a man like that?’ If she keeps this up, she’ll end up alone. Who’s gonna marry her in her late 30's? It’s already like too late to have a child!’

I’m waiting nervously for a wink in my direction: Alright, then: go-on. Hit me! I’m ready. old’ .... I’m only 28 for Chris’s sake! What do you ppl want from me?!?

Later.
One gf remembers her dentist: a gorgeous, smart, funny, intelligent, 30-something man, looking for a serious relationship.
Great! Cool. Just what I’m interested in. What a coincidence: me too!
Another gf: hey, we should help. Put him in touch with someone. Who? Who could it be?
I’m like: what a wonderful idea! here I am! Awfully nice of you! Pick me! Pick me!
The other:

Oh, I know! let’s help poor ‘Ana’! I could arrange something later this week…

Later that week.
I pull the pin from the grenade. I ask another gf: wtf?!?
She’s like:

what do you mean? Of course we didn’t think of you. I never thought of you that way…You don’t really want another man in your life, do you?!?

Surreal moment no2.
late evening, this guy from down the street finally finds the courage to stop me:

where r you coming from? School?
I don't see how…
What r u like – 26?
So what if …
listen here!I have a great job! Maybe not much, but I’m administrator at this firm.
Small firm, only 20 ppl or so. But I make good money.
I could take good care of you!
I would go to work and make money. You’d stay home and mind the children.
Cook too – can you cook?
I don’t mind if you can’t! my mum could help us.
You just make sure that the kids are all cleaned-up and do their homework.
I’ll do the shopping, take out the trash. I’ll take care of everything!
You won’t miss a thing! I’ll make you happy!
What do you say? Look at you!
you’re such a beautiful woman, and you’re throwing your life away - doing what?
Reading? Going to school? What do you need all that school for?!?
what can those books give you that I can't?
What do you say? Marry me!
Forget that crap about school and books! I’m not so bad, am I?!?

Surreal moment no3.
Clubbing with a male-friend. Late night

I don’t get it!!! All those nice guys staring at you all night, and not one of them came to talk to you. Only the creeps did. What do you do to them?

Surreal moment no4.
My closest g-friend , one evening:

I can’t imagine why you're still alone!
You’re like… perfect!
If I were a man, I’d definitely want you!

Surreal moment no5.
My mum, when I arrive home:

Your mother-in-law must love you!
I’ve just finished the cooking.
Shall I bring you something to eat?

Surreal moment no6.
Some guy from my neighborhood, I meet every two weeks:

God! I just can’t believe that you and alex are not together anymore!
That was like two years ago, you know… He has a girfriend and everything.
When are you two getting back together? You just gotta… I can’t imagine the two of you separately.

Eu te-am facut, eu te omor!

pic de monicazozo

Ma agat de ‘el’ din incapatanare; din orgoliu; dintr-un instinct de conservare dezorientat. Imi protejez investitia, si reduc riscurile pe viitor in acelasi timp. E aproape perfect. Daca’as fi in stare sa ma multumesc cu asta…



Mi-a fost atat de greu sa-l asimilez in intimitatea gandurilor si sentimentelor mele, sa inregistrez toate lucrurile care-l definesc sub senzatia de ‘familiar’, ‘cunoscut’, ‘friendly’, ‘frumos’, ‘bine’, ‘el’.


La inceput de tot a fost doar senzatia vaga, generala, difuza, care anula tot restul lumii, creand un fel de vid in jurul lui. Eu insami dispaream instantaneu – ramaneam un martor mut, incremenit. Senzatia aia de beatitudine, de inimaginabil de frumos, de sublim, ma cuprindea numai ‘dupa’ – cand ma indepartam, cand ‘el’ era departe – ca si cum distanta ii micsora intensitatea si le permitea simturilor mele sa-l inregistreze, sa-l sintetizeze, sa-l numeasca.


Uneori ma trezeam privindu-l buimaca, de parca doar ce m-as fi materializat brusc, la dorinta lui. Si-l priveam neputiincioasa sa-i alin furia sau dezamagirea – pentru ca eram cu adevarat incapabila sa ma regasesc.


La inceput corpul lui imi era strain. Recunosteam cu bucurie crampeie ale vechilor iubiri, si priveam cu suspiciune restul. Apropierea lui imi era incomoda – pt ca imi cerea raspunsuri pe care nu le aveam, la intrebari pe care inca nu le pusesem.

Mi-a luat luni intregi sa imblanzesc fiecare gand, fiecare senzatie, sa incorporez in mine imaginea lui. Luni intregi pana cand i-am descoperit si am invatat sa-i iubesc si mainile (atat de similare cu ale mele), si umerii rotunzi si moi, si urechile, si ochii cu gene intoarse, si picioarele, si burta, si fundul, pana cand am ajuns sa le recunosc pe toate ca fiind parte din ‘el’.

L-am invatat pe de rost si mi l-am apropiat zi-de-zi, bucata cu bucata, pana in ziua cand am putut sa-l privesc drept, fara frica, stiind ca l-as fi recunoscut oricum, orice’as fi vazut.


Ma agat de ideea de el: din incapatanare, din orgoliu, din economie. Atata munca: degeaba. Un efort inutil, ridicol. Din spatele ratiunilor care m-au tinut departe de el, senzatia aia difuza, de spledoare, de la inceput – a amutit. E covarsitoare senzatia de sila – o greata imensa, absurda, care ma invaluie, care-mi rasuna in urechi mieros, insinuant, cu vocea lui; imi strange stomacul; ma apleaca: umila, invinsa, redundanta.

Mi-e sila sa o iau de la capat. Mi-e sila sa raman aici. Mi-e sila de faptul ca ‘el’ e singura constanta din viata mea, singurul lucru pentru care lupt sa ramana acelasi – tot restul, le schimb iar, si iar.



Non-existenta lui mi-e comfortabila, calduta, imi intretine anxietatile, depresiile, revoltele, imi alina plictiselile si insomniile. Adevaratele lui saruturi nepricepute, stangace, golite de intimitate, de pasiune, de implicare, de 'el', inca ma haituiesc. Amintirea lor ma asigura ca, daca i-as permite sa existe cu adevarat, l-as ucide. In cel mai bun caz, l-as topi in amorteala dupa-amiezilor de duminica, in graba cafelelor de dimineata, in normalitatea sexului cotidian.


Ma agat de ideea de el ca sa-l tin la distanta pe un altul: tactil, bagacios, impertinent. Altul care cere mai mult, care (daca l-as lasa) mi-ar umple si viata, nu doar gandurile, care imi pretinde sa-l privesc in ochi si sa-l las sa se uite in adancul sufletului meu.


N-a murit in mine speranta. Doar a preluat chipul lui - pentru o vreme; chipul care o sa-mi re-devina, incet-incet, indiferent.